


Torn

by Eggling



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (1963)
Genre: M/M, and a fair amount of angst. so, there's a bit of blood involved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-06
Updated: 2019-09-06
Packaged: 2020-10-11 03:23:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20539316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eggling/pseuds/Eggling
Summary: “Healin’ faster doesnae mean ye can’t die.”“Yes, I can die. And then I’d renew myself. Unlike you.”The Doctor takes more risks than he should to protect Jamie.





	Torn

**Author's Note:**

> on [tumblr](https://the--highlanders.tumblr.com/post/187531568086/torn).

The Doctor hissed, shrinking away from the ball of cotton wool in Jamie’s hand. “That _stings_,” he whined, sticking his bottom lip out petulantly.

Jamie gave him a stern look, pulling him closer to dab the soaked cotton wool along the edges of the ragged wound that marred his shoulder. “Serves ye right,” he said, struggling to hide the shakiness in his voice. “Puttin’ yourself in danger like that.”

“Don’t we have anything left in the antiseptic bottle from Hepius Major? The one that didn’t hurt?”

“Ran out after ye got yourself torn up by that beastie last week.” Slumping his shoulders and burying his face in his hands, the Doctor resigned himself to his fate. “An’ anyway, you’re avoidin’ the point. Ye cannae keep doing this, ye know. One day you’ll hurt yourself an’ it’ll take more than me tae fix it.” A fresh trail of blood trickled out from the wound when Jamie pressed too hard, and he swallowed thickly, looking away. Something about the sight of the Doctor’s blood always turned his stomach more than anything else, no matter how many times he saw it. “Ye can’t just throw yourself in the way every time ye think I’m going tae get hurt.” The Doctor’s reply was muffled, spoken into his fingers. “Hm?”

When the Doctor spoke again, his words were so quiet that Jamie almost missed them. “I’d rather it were you patching me up than the other way around.”

Tossing the cotton wool aside, Jamie threw his hands into the air in frustration. “Do ye think I enjoy this?” His palms were stained rusty orange with blood, and bile rose in his throat again. “God knows I wouldnae wish this on ye, but – do ye think I _like_ havin’ tae see ye hurt, an’ - an’ knowing that it’s because of me?” The Doctor looked stricken, and Jamie felt a flash of sick satisfaction that at least some of his worry was understood. “Do ye?”

“Of course not,” the Doctor mumbled. “But I’m not that badly hurt.” The rest of the sentence hung in the air between them, unspoken. _Not like you would have been._

Jamie let out a hysterical laugh. “Have ye seen yourself lately?” The Doctor’s shirt sat on the chair beside him, laying bare the marbling of bruises and half-healed cuts across his back and chest. Jamie traced over a few marks with a shaky tenderness that seeped into his next words. “Seems I’m doin’ this every time we come back tae the TARDIS.”

“I heal faster than you,” the Doctor murmured. “My body is stronger.” Jamie scoffed. “I never thought you _enjoyed_ this. I know perfectly well that I don’t enjoy it myself, but it’s for my own peace of mind. I’m trying to keep you safe.”

“An’ what about keepin’ yourself safe? I’d rather ye were alive, ye know. Healin’ faster doesnae mean ye can’t die.”

“Yes, I can die. And then I’d renew myself. _Unlike you._”

Sighing, Jamie scrubbed one hand over his face. He could feel the warm blood on his fingertips pressing against his skin, but a wave of exhaustion had come over him, and he could not bring himself to care. “Is that what this is about? Ye think it doesnae matter if something happens to ye?”

“Well, does it?”

“Of course it matters!” Jamie exclaimed. “Ben an’ Polly told me what happened when ye renewed yourself last time, remember. They said ye came back different.”

“Well -” The Doctor frowned. “Yes, but I’d still be _me_, Jamie.”

“No’ the same as ye are now.”

To his surprise, the Doctor seemed hurt. “Would you want to leave? If I – if I changed, would you want to stop travelling with me?” His next words were soft, spoken gently and nervously, almost as if Jamie had not been meant to hear them. “Would you not love me anymore?”

“’Course I would.” Jamie laid his hand on the Doctor’s good shoulder cautiously, tightening his grip when the Doctor did not immediately shake him off. “But I’d still be losin’ ye, in a way, an’ I dinnae want that tae happen. Are ye so keen tae change again?”

“I can’t say I’m too keen on it, no. But if it came down to it – me changing, or you dying...” The Doctor shrugged. “It isn’t a choice, is it?”

“I dinnae want ye tae change,” Jamie insisted. “I like things the way they are. What if ye didnae love _me_ anymore?”

“Oh.” The Doctor drummed his fingers on his knees, hesitating. “Of course I would.”

“Aye, but ye cannae promise that, can ye? Ben an’ Polly said ye didnae treat them the same after ye renewed yourself. How can ye be so sure things wouldn’t be the same with us?”

“I can’t,” the Doctor admitted. “But I know things wouldn’t be the same if you were dead.”

“Nothing’s gonnae happen to me.”

“Can you promise that?”

Leaning against the Doctor, Jamie ghosted his finger over the already-healing edge of the Doctor’s wound. “’Spose not. But I dinnae want ye tae go puttin’ yourself in trouble for me. No’ like that. You’ve been panicking, an’ ye know things go wrong when ye panic.”

“Mm.” The Doctor twisted around to press his cheek against Jamie’s forehead. He was cold against Jamie’s skin, reddened from worry, and Jamie leant into the touch, curling in on himself to drop a kiss against the Doctor’s shoulder. “You’re so fragile, you know.”

Jamie snorted. “I’ve survived a war, an’ all the trouble we’ve gotten ourselves into. I dinnae think I’m that fragile.”

“Well, yes, but – _humans_, you’re so breakable. All the cells in my body will keep fighting to repair themselves, right up until they die, but your lives fade so much faster.”

“Isn’t it enough tae look after each other?” Jamie murmured, his face still pressed against the Doctor’s shoulder. “Take it in turns tae patch each other up? Like we’ve always done?”

The Doctor was quiet for a long moment, his brow furrowed and his lips pursed. “Of course it’s enough,” he said at last. “It’s always been enough. But I couldn’t bear to lose you.”

“Ye won’t,” Jamie said, as firmly as he could manage. “I’m no’ goin’ anywhere. I promised that I wouldn’t leave ye, remember? After the Daleks, an’ meeting Victoria. I promised ye.”

“It wouldn’t be the first time someone’s made that promise to me and then broken it. By choice or because they had to.”

“Aye, but I mean it.” Jamie tilted the Doctor’s chin up to look him in the eyes. “I’m no’ going tae break it.”

The Doctor mustered up a weak smile. “I’ll hold you to that.”


End file.
